My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Psalm 27:8, NLT
It’s Sunday morning and instead of being in a pew I’m curled up in the corner of the couch staring at the ceiling. Events from early morning keeping me up later than I normally would be, I completely forgot to set my alarm. Waking up just minutes before I’d need to leave for church.
So I’m all curled up in the corner of the couch staring at the ceiling my thoughts circling like the swirling pattern etched up there.
Questions arise that I’ve replayed in circles over months and weeks while my heart aches and my throat constricts. It’s Sunday and I should be at church but I can’t move. Arms wrapped around knees tucked under my chin. Wondering. Condemning. Chiding.
How did we get to this place? I look around once again at the chaos in my home and wonder how it will ever become a home instead of hurricane. How do you make a house into a home? And my heart once again swirls with the winds of a tornado that won’t go away.
They say it’s not my fault but the Naysayer of this world continues to whisper in my ear, “It is your fault. If you hadn’t put yourself above them you’d have had time to get this house in order. If you weren’t so lazy and if you’d been the parent you should have been it wouldn’t be this way. You know it.” I feel all of my self-worth drain from my body like water being sucked down from the sink.
I also know who is speaking to me and I let it continue to hammer into my soul. A war within me as I long to go to the Source of peace yet, my hard heart will not relent.
I’m stalling in the shower. Pushing the words I’m hearing in my heart away as I push shampoo out of my hair. “Call to Me and I will answer.”…I have been calling! Where is Your answers?… “Come to Me.”… I have been coming! Where are You?… “I’m right here. I’m waiting.” I step out of the shower feeling like I’m walking on shattered glass but really it is the remains of a broken heart.
And I don’t want to ask any more questions because I only want answers and He continues to pull as I keep pushing and He tugs harder…
“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)
You bid me come
sit at Your table
feast from Your hand
lay down in green pastures
linger beside Your still waters
My soul aches for You
like a lover for her husband
but my heart is numb
so I resist the urge
to run into Your arms
You cup Your hands
calling out to me
You don’t beg or plead
calmly You stand watching and waiting
From a corner crouched I rise
slowly, hesitantly, baby steps
one foot in front of the other
then another, faster and faster
I run into Your arms
You cradle me
like a mother holding her child
whisper in my ear
sweet words of care
tell me You are so glad
~Marcell Warner Bridges
©25 March 2018
It’s been a few hours since I felt that tugging and pulling. I’ve rested a bit giving Him my attention. Finally pulled my whirlpool of thoughts to the calmer waters of His embrace.
Thinking of things that are pure, lovely, and true do not fix the situation but it does calm the heart and bring peace to a soul longing for nothing else but His Presence.
And I just wonder if you are struggling in a tug-of-war with God too? I f you are resisting His voice, tuning out His song? All it does is harden our hearts more. Instead of giving us peace it creates disharmony with Him.
Please forgive the length of this post but I just have one final thought to share with you:
“I’d advise you, then, to quickly get rid of your burden;
for until then you’ll never be settled in your mind
or enjoy the benefits of the blessings that God has given you.”
― John Bunyan, Pilgrim
I curl back up into a ball on the end of the couch and this time I quietly sing my favorite hymns while falling asleep in the arms of Jehovah-Shalom, my peace and Jehovah-Shamah, He is present.
From My Heart to Yours,