HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT, HE LOVES ME!

A lot of people tell me I have such a way with words and writing that I should do more with it. Be that as it may, I happen to agree with you. I do wish I had a, how should I put it, more evolved vocabulary. You know, the use of bigger words. Words that, writer’s know and others don’t. Words that sound great but mean the same as a smaller, often more used word. I’ve thought of going through the dictionary, one word at a time and learning them. Quite a task to take on though…don’t you think? Recently I’ve read several books that had words in them that only by reading the sentence several times over did I even begin to understand what the word meant. Not that I ever actually figured out its literal meaning but I at least had an idea of what the author meant by the use of the word. I like those words. But I do know this much. If I ever do get to write my first novel, or any novel, I will never use the word “proverbial”. I bet you didn’t know I hate that word. I read three novels in a row and they each used that word several times. I mean, how does that happen? I felt bored. I will never use that word. It drives me nuts. There’s got to be a better word to use than that one to get the meaning across. Don’t you think?

One time in high school we were asked to write a “how-to” paper. My teacher liked mine the best. Do you know why? Because I wrote on how to write a good letter. She thought it was a unique topic. I believe she would approve of this one. I told my readers to begin with something other than, “Hello, how are you?” or “ Hi, how are you doing?”. I think that is the most mundane of beginnings. I strive to be a little more original than that. What do you think? I like keeping things interesting.

It seems all of my friends are so busy they barely have time to breathe; however, I have lots of time to breathe and little time to be busy. Why? Because I hate being bored or busy. It seems that puts me in a bit of a conundrum. (I do know a few big words.) So I don’t do anything or I do everything in one day. So my house is absolutely a mess and yet I feel no desire most days to do a thing about it, yet, at the same time I abhor the very look of it and wish I could make it all go away. And I can. But it takes time and effort and who in the world wants to do that when they can sit and be fat and go places? Well, I’ve learned something this week. I want to do it. I want to put that time and energy and effort into it. I want to make it nice. At least, as nice as I can while my sofa’s fall apart and my carpet gets dirty an hour after I just shampooed it.

I wrote a poem one time about being nice and neat looking on the outside but having cobwebs and dust on the inside. What people see looks better when it is all made up nicely than if they look deeper and see the ugly stuff on the other side. I am not the pretty person on the inside anymore that everyone told me I was growing up. I always wanted to be beautiful like my sister when I was younger; however, everyone has told me how beautiful I am on the inside and that matters more than being beautiful on the outside. To a degree, I don’t believe that. I believe that if someone looks beautiful on the inside, they should at least make the attempt to do so on the outside too. So, that brings me back to my house. It neither is pretty on the outside nor in, but I’m beginning to feel God would have me try. Try to do my best to please Him by getting it all done.

I keep telling myself I’m going to go back to college but I keep putting off going and getting registered. Why? Because it is one more thing on my already loaded plate of stuff in my head and life. I always feel so overwhelmed by everything. And my physical problems are still there. Still dizzy some, still have some head pain, still too tired some days to do anything but sit or sleep. Still getting headaches, sometimes migraines. Still can’t drive on the highway. Maybe if I took up swigging down coffee in the wee morning hours I could actually get something more done than fall back asleep after they go out the door to school and he goes off to work. Hmmm…There’s a thought. I used to like coffee. Maybe I just need to laugh more, smile more, or some such thing. Who really knows?

And then there’s, yes, the God thing. What would I really be like if I let God back into my life fully. What would I really be like if I let myself believe again. Fully. What would I get accomplished if I became fully alive in His Spirit once again. Oh, I know what I would be like. I’ve been that way many years ago…. So why don’t I do it? Hmmm…there’s an even bigger thought. Or is it that I’ve been so bored for so long that now that I don’t want to be I’ve let Satan get under my skin. Into my head and heart and allowed him to be more than he ever should’ve been? Yes. I believe that is what it is. Now, to go and let God do the unbelievable, the impossible, the unthinkable. Oh, nothing is impossible with God. That I know. As you can tell, I know many things. But do I believe inside my heart and mind that any of it is true? Yes. A bit. I do. Okay. More than a bit. I mean, how does one leave behind 33 years of being saved and a believer? One doesn’t. That I have figured out in the last few years. But in the passed three years especially. So here’s what I really want to say…

God forgives. He forgets. He removes and He covers all the guilt, all the past, all the stain. He will cleanse, He will mend and He’ll do it again and you ask me why I praise His name? In my heart He sees nothing to blame! (Written and sung by Dave Brubaker.) Over the past few years God has healed and blessed more than you or I could imagine!

So what do I do with this? I BELIEVE. I GO BACK. I GO TO THE GOD WHO HAS CHERISHED ME, WAITED FOR ME, LOVED ME. He loves me, He loves me not, HE LOVES ME!!!! I want to sing again. I want to dance. I want to be with JESUS. And I want to share this with you. Why? I’ve lived through 33 years of faith, and yet where is that faith? I tried, really, I did, to throw it away. To get rid of it. But God doesn’t let us do that. He keeps reminding us that we are His and we are worth being His. Somewhere, somehow, at some time, He’s going to knock us down and shine a huge light on us and say, “Why child are you kicking at the bricks?” Why are you doing this? Well, its been my turn and I’m not going to give up now.

I want to get my head on straight. Go back to college and earn a degree in English. I want to write a novel and be published. I want to enjoy life. Enjoy my family. Enjoy being me. Lose the act. Lose the feeling of being out of my element. Let everyone see Marcie for who she really is. Have you met her? I know one day you will. And when you do, let me know. I’ll know what you are talking about. All you have to say is, “Hello Marcie, it is so nice to finally meet you!” Yes, I’ll know what that means. It is time. Time to trust God. To believe God. To be His child again.

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil?
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.
13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. (NIV)

And one more thing I’ve learned:

2 Corinthians 5:17 (King James Version)
17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.